thank u for writing what i yearned to speak. thank u tania. Standing still

Crying in the rain
I throw up my hands
And I say
Dear god
If there is a god
I beg of you
Grant me sudden death
I say
Why�God
Who are you?�.God
And if there is���A god
Then take from this hell on earth
The walls are closing in
I can�t seem to breath again
So please�
Release me from this constant death
Give me new breath
Why is it you cast this suffering upon me?
Why is this world so filled with pain?
So filled with hate
So filled with ugliness which crosses before my eyes
Day in and day out
Standing still
Weeping in the rain
Please oh please
Grant this sinner�s soul
Sudden death
For I am not afraid
I am waiting to progress
Waiting to be blessed
Waiting to cross over to this so called other side
Where the clouds are puffy and soft and I can rest in the knowledge that I am safe
That no one will hurt me again
That I will finally be protected from the evil that leers around every corner of my childhood bedroom
I keep still and quiet being a good little girl
But still
Evil comes
It preys
And it destroys every ounce of breath left in these nicotine-etched lungs
So I write and I write and I journal and I try
Try to find the reasons and the lessons
Behind this and that
Try to find out how to change
How to become a good person
How to become a normal person
What is normal?
Who is normal?
Somebody please come forth and tell me
Show me
Explain to me
The meaning of normal
Cause I have been leaving normal my entire life
And praying for normal throughout my entire existence
So I stand still
Sobbing in the rain
My hands, my arms reaching out
Dear god
Fear god
Near god
My dear sweet Normal god
I pray
Grant me sudden death