here are the entries in chronological order from thepast few days, the phone was disconnected for a few days.
standby....

3:10 AM 2/6/03
video list ~ nerf herder, ozma, dashboard confessional, alkaline trio, guided by voices. thrice, superchunk, ben kweller, useless ID, ataris

today was quite possibly the worst day ever at least in recent memory on my way to work...
- car ran out of gas so i pushed it up hill one block
- locked keys in car
- discovered i was not on my parents AAA acount any longer so i broke in and caused no damage to the vehicle
- I was not able to work because i was too late due to these events

then, I arrived home and Lou gave me the quesedilla she made for for herself but after hearing of my day offered it to me. so sweet of her.
Later on after cleaning up around the apartment I drove over to pickup Shae from work. Sometime later tonight I brought up why she couldn't drive with someone else in her car, as a passenger. But after a few minutes of wisdom I realized I do the same thing. I prefer to drive my own car when I am in it, not letting my friends drive unless I am incapable/inebriated, thus unable to safely drive. SO we agreed on that after a 5 minute debate which I think I approached the wrong way, I have a habit of acting like an ass sometimes, 3 out of 3 would be a good ratio.

up and coming in the ominous valentine's day. so as you "enjoy your day" i will be hoping he bought you roses, i hope the suns out where you are. i hope he bought you roses.

this year i will be spending my day with the lovely shae to ourselves, but more than likely we will see our coupling couple, we tend to go out together without planning. nicole and kristen are adorable, absofrickenlutely wonderful. i wish that someday i can bring that joy and love into my current relationship. we compliment each other very well, at least so I think moreso I dream.

My love past is relatable to a rock star life.
Up, downs, drug problems, "side-projects", good/great/horrible sex, travelling, different venues but most problems remain the same. so far this relationship had been awesome, the honeymoon theory is only real if you wish to believe. like mr. spock and jesus, you just have to believe. like spock creating the gun powder, the jedi mind trick, true love and honeymoon theories, we just have to believe.

that being said nerf herder's "sorry" just came onto my laptop screen...
"sorry i showed up at your party
sorry i drank up all the bacardi
sorry i promised to love you forever
sorry i wanted to be your boyfriend again
it's over it's over
sorry i jacked off outside of your window
sorry i thought you'd never know
sorry i screwed up your picture
sorry i had sex with your sister"

moment of zen this week
Lou - "whoa, smart like a rock"
enjoy your day

11:31 AM 2/6/03
np: jew, koufax, jets to brazil, promise ring

getting ready for work, trying to call out on job possibilities I realized the phone is still not working for outgoing calls only incoming. Kinda crappy overall.

I don't know if I caan take aanother day of working without pay, i am eating considerably less than I use to. Effects are mainly losing strength, feeling very tired, irritable and just losing lust for things in life. I hope it's from not eating like I am use to and nothing else. I've been like this for the past month or so.

i think im losing shae, she seems bothered by me now, my presence maybe upsetting to her so I might just have to leave if I can't change anything occuring or obstructing the beginning of what could be a fruitful relationship.

4:37 PM 2/6/03
np: pedro the lion

if distancing yourself improves you day to day, be my guest and remove me from your eyes. castrate the very thought of me, exorcise the demon which makes us come together. maybe you a teaspoon pf potassium and me as a nitrate, in our own elements we are fine, but elements combined we create a dangerous mixture.

good or bad, we design.

explosive - a wonderful incorporation, expands possiblities
abrasive - destroying everything in it's path with a high mortality rate

it's up to us how these strengths are used

8:00 AM 2/7/03

current playlist:
Dashboard Confessional - The Best Deceptions
Dashboard Confessional - This Bitter Pill
Death Cab For Cutie - Champagne from a paper cup
Elliott Smith - Needle In the Hay
Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown
juliana theory - Don't Push Love Away
Kasey Chambers - Not Pretty Enough
Pedro The Lion - bad diary days
Pedro The Lion - the longer i lay here
Pedro The Lion - the longest winter
Pedro The Lion - Bad Things To Such Good People
Pedro The Lion - criticism as inspiration
saves the day - three miles down
Sunny Day Real Estate - Song About An Angel
The Get Up Kids - Better Half
The Get Up Kids - I'll Catch You
The Get Up Kids - Long Goodnight
The Get Up Kids - Valentine
The Promise Ring - Stop Playing Guitar
The Promise Ring - Wake Until April

slept in 15 minute intervals, 15 asleep then 30 awake.
wokeup everytime alone, but i guess this is for the best. it's better to let go than dream. so i've been told anyway. i was also told "tis' be to have love and lost than to never have loved at all". this might be reciprocation for my past mistakes in relationships. maybe my past indiscretions are being held against my future.

dreamers often lose
dreamers often lie
winners never lose
winners never quit

i'll give this one more shot before lou gets home
back to square one....

this world with eyes closed
is nothing but an unrealistic dream
this powerful illusion seems comforting
it's just an idea of what could be
avoid the urge to look truth in the face
avoid the urge to think
an unpleasant truth might exist
play with matches and gasoline
please look the other way
turn the corner without looking back
these useless dreams of mine
will rest with my ambitions
amongst a scattered sea of waves
break me in wear the soul
till nothing mine is left
mold my mind to what you need
let go of past ways
nothing gold can stay

4:50 PM 2/6/03