I feel the swiftly racing sheets of ice rolling across my body since she left. Finding sleep is hardly easy since I have nothing to wake up for, so I just don't go to sleep. My body is shaking with god knows what for every possible fucking reason under the sun; all relatable to you. Inhale carcinogenic smoke and cosume large amounts of alocohol just to relax myself. Friends try to show that they care byt visitting, I mean yesterday I got around 30 calls and numerous friends visiting.

I'm feeling broke in every sense of the word...
broken down shell of a once whole man
broken bottles with glass shards hiding between my toes
broken hearted to make sure this is real
broken down on medication pavement

im falling apart to pull us together while workin to live like riding a 5 inch red dawn horse against a rising tide, my legs aren't working well enough. i can't carry the payload or organize my thoughts into complete sentences. everything once of beauty is losing significance in my eyes and heart. can't sit still or focus on work, i look into the code and remember working side by side in a coffee shop which could be any coffee shop. just so long as you were there. i even turned to ask you how you liked the images i used to shutdown this blog for a bit so i could write for myself again. im not sleeping.

vicodin
klonopin
soco
newcastle
scotch
vodka
gin
heineken
weed
merlot
valium
darvescet
cigarettes

nothing feels the same and everything seems to never change, a sad sickle handicapped persons race around a roller rink. i've been intoxicated since it happened and can't seem to look back or face forward for fear of failing the inevitable line. what if she meets someone who makes that gorgeous smile wider? what if she decides to leave me for someone whose jokes make sense? maybe she'll find the right guy and then we can be good gay friends like my other exes who called/call on me for advice in relationships which used to kill me everytime. the sunspots are swaying me from left to down.

mm - SO MUCH BEAUTY IN DIRT
Out of breath and out of cash, find yourself watching M.A.S.H., every night
on the couch. Woman says let's take a drive down south, roll down the
windows and open our mouths taste where we are and play the music loud. Stop
the car, lay on the grass, the planets spin and we watch space pass.Walk a
direction, see where we get. I never knew nothin' so there's nothin' to
forget. Get real drunk and ride our bikes. There's so much beauty it could
make you cry. The rich get money but never what they want. Find ourselves a
new place to haunt. Climb up the fire escape do it 'til the ground looks far
away. Go night swimming, leave our clothes on the ground, when we get busted
we just stand there proud. It's the truth we all been wrong make it up and
let's move on. Playing cards we all get to act sly there's so much beauty it
could make you cry.