"someday"
filled to my eyes with emotion
never enough forms of expression
you won't hear me out for a second
why won't you take a minute to listen
is it that you afraid of the words
those feeling that pour from my heart
are you afraid to let go
are you in fear of being alone
until you figure it out
don't look into my eyes
unless you really feel it
don't ever smile at me again
unless you really mean it
don't do a thing
until we're on the same page
filled with emotion
both of us together
maybe someday...

- Jon -
10/26/01'

never thoguht i'd have to read that again. let a alone be there, but worse.

i really feel like writing and since i work in the afternoon, i can take the time to speak the unspeakable.

if you really loved me ever as more than a friend how could we end things so abruptly? here is that stated better: how could YOU end thinggs so quickly? leaving me to myself, god knows that's dangerous. why did you have to make everything special? i can't even go out and try to get the sexual satisfaction i didn't get form you in past months, three by my count. i can't leave for fear of coming back and you not being here. i can't sleep because i will wake screaming, crying, or terrified that something ill has fallen to you. i can't dream because they are mostly of you and i being happy together (past/future), or one of us is tragically killed. i've died more than you have, so nothing to fear child. my sweet rapture, you've left me and i'm screaming for more. beckoing for a chance to love you the way i want. i leaned in to kiss you goodbye after we were wrestling and you pushed me aside. seems i can't do a damn thing to change this. so sometime i'll accept the fact that you don't care, i am undesireable (why else would we have stopped making love 3 months ago), unwanted (preceeding statement), and have nothing to offer the opposite sex, let alone the world. i put all my faith, trust, love, want, and care in you. hopefully i leanr to not put all my eggs into such a faulty basket.

i am growing to learn to hate slowly, despising you for hurting me. but what if you decide that you need/love me, then my words will fly back at my face like a shattering windshield, preventing us from being something.

so sudden. so painful. undeserved.

i learned my lessons and moved on, but you can't seem to realize what you need. just because you say it's over doesn't make any simpler for me to forget you.

i forget, regret, leave or all of the above. maybe i can hold this hope for the rainy days ahead.

one week before our one year you bludgon the shit out of my heart and soul. fuck you. i lvoe you and i can't just stop.
love isn't that easy.